I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
