yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
