Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
