He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize