There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
