believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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