every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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