I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
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There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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