We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
