dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
