i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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