i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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