you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
