In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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