i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
