I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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