the condom got lost in my hair
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
