Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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