Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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