I think I can smell my own vagina right now
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
