people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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