I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Randomize
