Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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