you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
