omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
