I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
