I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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