Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
