i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
