Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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