Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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