didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Need sex. Gaining weight.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
