Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
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By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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