just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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