Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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