He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
