just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
