I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
