Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
