I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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