Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
