I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
