Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
