She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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