If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We left the knife in your bed.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
