I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
