hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
