Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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