The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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