The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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