My liver just broke up with me...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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