I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
