So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
