I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
