I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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