went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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