Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
how drunk are you?
Several
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
